I still think about you...

The following comes from a note I wrote two years ago, I wrote it because I was so unsettled about numerous things in my life. But the most unsettling thing at the time was my step-grandma. She had lung cancer and at the time I wrote the note I knew for certain she was down to the last days, but I had absolutely no clue when I wrote the note how very true the beginning of my paragraph about her was...

06.Novemeber.08 1:34 am
she's dying...week by week, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...and i really dont know what to think or how to feel...or what to say or if i should say anything at all? we weren't ever really close...and there have definately been huge tension issues...but shes still family...shes still been there for me a lot in my life...she still has taught me a lot...and she is still a person that means a lot to others in my life...but what do i do...do i go home and try to tell her bye....do i just stay here? and if i do just stay here is it because there really is nothing i can do to help? or is it because im being selfish and dont want to see her that way or is it because she prolly wouldn't want to see me anyways....and in all reality this isn't really about me as much as im making it right now. she is the one hurting and just wanting to go home....her permanent home...please god just dont let her hurt anymore...thats what it is all about now...please let her be at rest...

About 16 or so hours later she was gone. I was on my way to see her. I had decided it was what I needed to do. Mom told me it wouldn't be long, and so I made the decision, I had to go home. But for some reason I stalled about it, I didn't go as soon as I told mom I was going to. I hung around the caf talking to the girls. I went to my room and slowly packed a bag for the night. And I got in my car and headed that way, about fifteen minutes into the drive mom called, Jackie had passed away 30 min before mom called. Mom tried to wait until I got there, but since I was lazy about getting around to leave, she happened to call when I was on the road, and knew that if she didn't tell me right then, I'd be pretty upset. So after Mom called I was SO crushed, I just wanted to talk to someone, I called all my friends but I think something was happening at school that night and they were there. So I called my Dad, not really someone I've gone to for comfort over the years but I knew that he'd be able to comfort me at this time. This is how this conversation went.

Dad: Hey sis. Are you okay?!
Me: No Dad, She's gone, Jackie's gone and all I wanted to do was go see her, Daddy I was on my way.
Dad: Sis I'm so sorry, and I was just about to call you anyways, Grandma D is in the hospital in Wichita.
Me: (crying hysterically, while driving down the road at 70 mph) Daddy is she gonna be okay?
Dad: Ya, she'll be okay sis, just a bleeding ulcer, she will be okay when they get it stopped, don't worry sis, I just wanted you to know.

The rest of the conversation is prolly pretty irrelevant, but every time this time of year comes around they are all I can think about. And little did Dad know, just like little do any of us know God's plan for our lives, Grandma D wasn't okay, they couldn't completely get the ulcer to stop and she passed away eleven days later. After these two weeks I'm usually pretty okay and move on with life just fine I mean I still miss them all the time it's just that I miss them SO much more over this time. And when big life events happen that they should be there for. Like Elsie having Case, Jackie would have had six million pictures of him! Zach's wedding they both would have been there and in the family pictures, Michele having Baby Trey, etc. I miss them SO much, and I know there are things I missed out on with them that I look back on and wonder why I didn't do them when I could. And now I'm faced with being 400+ miles away and knowing that both of my grandfathers I have left are also at points in their life that aren't the best. And I want so bad sometimes to just be able to sit around and talk with Grandpa Simon and sit on his lap like old times, but I can't make myself when I'm home because it hurts too much. And with Grandpa Doyle, when I am home, I do hug him as much as possible and he tells me how proud he is of me. But everytime I have to tell both of them goodbye, I know it could be my last, and it hurts.

So if I'm grouchy or looking down over the next two weeks, I'm sorry. It's hard and I know it's been two years so I should be fine. But I'm still not really. I miss them.