All I want is you this Christmas...

First of all my apologies to those who reguarly read my blog but haven't had anything to read for a while, just hold on...this will be a LONG one! :)

AND here we go...

Starting with my blog title...I have had the N Sync Chritmas CD FOREVER, recently though, I've lost it, this is my first Christmas without it and its been kinda sad...I LOVE it, it has been and will always be my favorite Christmas album...I don't know how many of you have ever actually listened to it (ha) but I loved it. It had some traditional songs on it but mostly they were songs about lost love or being in love on Christmas...and I think that might be the reason I loved it so much. I haven't had a "love" on Christmas in six years and even then it was more childhood love than true love. But I always loved the CD because it gave me hope that some day I would SURELY be in love on Christmas.It made me think of how special that Christmas would be when it finally came around. And just now sitting here thinking, I am sure I have come to figure out why I can't find my N Sync CD or maybe even why I haven't put too much effort into looking for it this year...I finally have THAT LOVE on Christmas that they were singing about...and I was hoping for and dreaming of, and I can tell yall right now it is so SPECIAL, more special than I ever dreamed about! I have decided I didn't need the CD this year because I no longer need to dream about the love and how special it will be...I'm living it, and this Christmas is the most special Christmas I've ever had! The best song to suit me this Christmas from that CD is this:
All I Want is You This Christmas. Yall should look up the lyrics...I would put them in this blog but 1 it would make it SO much longer, 2 it wont let me copy and paste them and 3 i'm too lazy to actually type them all out! :)

Moving on....SO much has happened since my last blog! School FINALLY ended for the semester and I got 2 B's and an A... :( not really what I was hoping for or feel I deserved but I guess there isn't much to do about that now! Josh took me to Austin for my first visit ever and it was fun. There was a little bit of uneasiness about a situation but we made it through and it was a good time! He recorded some songs while we were down there and I got to meet up with an old high school friend! Now I've been working all day every day trying to make a lil extra money for the holidays (which didn't really work out the way I had planned because a bike I had borrowed from someone got stolen so I feel the need to pay her something for it). I have also been trying to get holiday shopping done and it reminds me so much why I HATE holiday shopping! :) ha.

I am totally looking forward to the next two weeks. I will work until Wednesday at noon possibly then it will be off to Mansfield for Josh's first service with his rents, little brother and my ROOMIE! As soon as that gets out it's hit the yellow brick road time! I will be on my way BACK to Kansas AGAIN! :) I prolly won't get home until LATE Christmas Eve. When I get home it will be family Christmas stuff the WHOLE time. Then BE EXCITED because I surely am JOSH IS COMING TO KANSAS! :) It is time to meet the fam! :) I am SO pumped for this! Any other guy I would be nervous to take home to my family but not this one...I'm so ready! It's long past due!!!!! After our Kansas outtings we will be headed back to Texas but not just the 7 hour drive back to Texas, a NINE HOUR drive ALL the way down to Centerville to Josh's rents for a night then to HOUSTON to see Sister Jessica and Brother Jacob and their spouses and kids of course!\

I am so ready for the whole holiday stuff to happen and for our travels! :) I will be doing my best to keep yall updated even though for most of the trip I won't have internet! :) Gotta love middle of NOWHERE Kansas! Love yall and hope yall are doing well! :)

Until the story continues....

Ps...This is AUSTIN!

I am about to be completely overwhelmed by all of the road trips my most amazing boyfriend and I are about to take! And not just the road trips but all of our plans! :) yay!

This weekend we have a thrift off party and maybe dinner with a family from church. Next weeked is my first trip EVER to Austin! We are gonna go hang out with some friends and just have a good time! Then Kyle's baptism! Yay Kyle! Then for me it will be off to Kansas for Christmas, soon to be followed by the bf who might even get to play sunday morning at my church! Then after a couple days in Kansas it's off to HOUSTON! I'm so excited I can't wait! We will prolly stop in Centerville on the way down so that will be fun too! We are planning on a few days in Houston for new years and then sadly enough it will be back to our boring school, work and homework life back in Arlington :(

Prolly one of the most pointless blogs ever but I'm just so excited about all of our plans! :)

So much to be Thankful for!

So it has been a while since I last wrote! I've had a lot going on and its been quite the challenge to keep up with my blog! Sorry! Although I'm pretty sure I only have one or maybe even two religious blog readers!

Anywho since the last blog, my bruise has healed, I had a birthday and LOVED it, had a birthday outting in Fort Worth and loved it as well (thanks to those who actually came!), I spent a whole day with my new sister :), I wrote a horrible paper for class, I went home for Thanksgiving and spoiled my babies!, I have avoided homework and finals, and I have made my second trip to Centerville...all of the above...AMAZING!

Today has still consisted of avoiding my final, it is due by 6pm and I haven't done anything on it! There are only four questions but each question requires a 4-6 page typed and double spaced response ;). I will get to it eventually!

Basically just wanted to make sure whoever reads this had something to actually read today!

Oh and ps, most amazing boyfriend ever = Joshua Aaron Nix, many reasons for this title but most of all the main reason is because he loves me despite my flaws and attitude :) I know each and every day that I will never have to doubt his love for me...its the most amazing feeling ever!

Okay that is pretty much all for the day! Oh one more thing since I know you read this....HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE! you are OLD :) ha

Broken Windows, Weddings, Golf Carts, Trees, Little Brothers and Bruises!

Wow! I really thought I would end up writing more last but I guess that didn't happen. Last week was prolly the first time I've actually REALLY earned my check from Silver Oak! :) They put me to work but it was nothing but FUN! Other than being absolutely crazy busy at Silver Oak I was working some crazy hours in my office at school as well! I'm not gonna lie, I actually cut out on some of those hours this week but yah its pretty much whatever!

Nothing too exciting really happened until Thursday. After work I went home and cleaned up a little before Josh and I headed to the wedding rehearsal! After that it was dinner at the Flying Saucer in downtown Fort Worth, this is where the real excitement began! (side note: when walking into rehearsal Johnny one of Josh's friends comes up to me and he says "We've never really met but I'm Johnny, it's good to finally meet you since Josh talks about you ALL the time" Made my heart melt :)) Anywho so at the dinner there was some beer and cheese pairing going on as well as beer and cheesecake! It was pretty much awesome! After everyone pretty much filtered out of the rehearsal dinner, we moved on to a different bar downtown. Had a lot of fun there as well! Side note 2: Josh's friend David text him, and all it says is, "she's a keeper" heart melted again) Not too long into the night Josh and I decide we should prolly head home considering I had to work in the morning!

So Friday morning was a lil rough but was still okay. Worked til 3 and then decided to tan before heading home to get ready for the wedding, little do I know that my "just gonna run and tan real quick" idea is going to turn into, spend thirty mins at the tanning salon! :) Anyways I finally get out of there and then I get ready and we head to the wedding. We get there and Jamie and I decide to run and get something to eat quickly, which also turns into a forever long journey! We stop at this Whataburger on Lancaster and let me just tell you, I prolly will never visit the whole street of Lancaster again! Especially not in a 200 dollar dress, right Jam?! So we eventually make it back to the wedding and do the whole wedding thing. It was a very beautiful and well put together wedding! :) SO CUTE! Then it was reception time, and considering I was only hours from meeting Big Bob and had partied a lil too hard Thursday night, I stayed pretty under control Friday night! After all the wedding festivities Josh and I got in the car and headed out on our mini getaway to the lovely Abiding Place.

About 15 min into the drive Jason calls, I had Jamie's keys in my purse, PERFECT!:) I'm re re! So we head back give them the keys and then its back on the road AGAIN for our mini vaca. After the long drive which I slept most of, we were finally at Josh's parents house. All half a sleep and confused, I walk up the stairs to the front porch and Big Bob introduces himself and gives me a big hug...how sweet! I got to stay in the love room and it has the MOST amazing bed ever! So needless to say I slept really well and kinda late into Saturday morning!

We had the most amazing lil brunch! Josh made us all omelets the way we wanted and then Teresa had made Apple Cinnamon pancakes as well! YUMMY! Jordan Josh and I then went outside to throw the football around a little, which was absolutely tons of fun. But not really the highlight of the whole trip! After throwing the ball around a lil Josh decides he's gonna take me on a lil spin in the gas powered golf cart...We take our lil trip and get back to the house. Josh decides we are gonna go out again and I decide I'm gonna invite Jordan to go with us so he doesn't have to just chill with Big Bob and Teresa since I'm sure he gets enough of that all the time :) Anyways we are out and about and are having a great time just being dorks. We head back to the house and Josh tells Jordan to just let us off and we will go in, but Jordan decides I need to see the back of the property. So off we go flying into the woods behind the house. Jordan's being the cute lil brother and making sure branches are smacking Josh and I in the face occasionally, we are finally on this lil straight away but the golf cart is no longer going straight, Josh and I were sure Jordan was trying to pull one of his lil letting the branch hit us things when suddenly we find ourselves on our sides IN some trees! Josh is holding us up with one arm and Jordan is pretty much wedged between the trees and the golf cart, I am wedged between the trees and Josh, Josh on the other hand is wedged between me (plenty of padding) and the golf cart seat (still plenty of padding). After a lil bit of sibling yelling, we were all out of the golf cart, both feet on the ground for all of us, standing there starin at the golf cart...LAUGHING hysterically. Now this would have been a great photo op but we were so caught up in checking injuries and wondering what Big Bob was gonna think that we completely spaced the photo op...

So we head back to the house on foot, really not that far of a walk, but Jordan and I were kinda in pain so it seemed a lil farther than it prolly should have. Jordan has like 6 cuts that are bleeding pretty good, and a bruise on his inner thigh, I have a bruise beginning on my upper left thigh, inner right calf, upper and lower shin and cuts that are bleeding, Josh, has a measly lil scratch on his wrist...and we laugh the whole way home...Jordan at one points says, "You know it actually might have been my fault, I was going a lil fast" :) Jordan's fault or not we blamed it on the broken steering column and that is the story we gave Teresa and Big Bob (who was more concerned about the sound on his HD channels).

Josh and I ended up getting the thing all the way back home by actually moving the wheels with our hands and feet and Big Bob was pretty impressed. Finally it was shower and relax time! When I got out of the most amazing shower ever, Jessica and the kids were there! They were pretty shy to me at first but eventually Gwen warmed up but I'm not so sure Gray is hooked yet! We all went to a steak house and had a wonderful meal and a great time! Sadly enough the time came that we all had to head our separate ways :(

All in all it was for sure one of the most amazing weekends I've ever had in my whole entire life. I would love to go to the Abiding Place and simply stay forever! Teresa and Bob are amazing people and parents. Jessica is a really cool sister and has awesome kids. And Jordan, took that boy a lil warming up to me as well but after he almost took my life I think we found our connection ;) He apologized so much for just a lil blood...I mean come on my own brothers have done worse than that too me and I don't believe I've ever heard a thank you from them! Any who, extremely long post...so I should just end it and go! Hope yall enjoy reading about my near death experience :)

You are my sunshine....

This weekend was a crazy and hectic but definitely one of the best ones so far. Friday when I got off work the craziness began, it was actully Friday AT work when the craziness began, but that's a whole different blog in itself! :)

Friday after work I got home and started rearranging my room, why I picked that time of all times to do it, who knows. As soon as I got started with that, G's Sister, Grandma and Grandpa showed up at our apartment. Just a few min after that Jeff called and said he was sitting at Jamie's apartment so I went and got him, not but like 10 min after that Josh showed up with a sleeping bag for the adventure I was only an hour away from taking. So craziness with 12 million people at our apartment!

Then it was time to head to the Cornerstone to go on the Fall Camping Adventure with them! This trip brought me out of my shell last year so I knew I HAD to go again this year, and with the weekends off now it seemed like the PERFECT trip! We got there and started setting up tents and all that jazz. When it time to start making dinner (beef stew) we realized we did not have a fire starting source. So after several attempts with things that would normal start on fire if you didn't want them to, Jordan resorted to something EXTREMELY DANGEROUS! :) What about car batteries, jumper cables, sparks and propane sounds in the least bit safe?! Greatest part about it, the fire still took forever to light! THEN one of the lids to our wonderful family dollar pots broke, not a big deal except when it broke we lots a screw and a washer in the stew...so it was up to us when eating to find them! Awesome!

Anyways we went on with the evening which eventually led to the infamous CAPTURE THE FLAG, in the dark I might add! This game is incredible especially when it involved running through places completely blind. It's dark and they are woods so you are pretty much blind to anything out there! I first of all try to run from someone and end up at a dead stop my doing? no, I ran into a bush of THORNS and it literally stopped me dead in my tracks good things I had so much adrenaline otherwise I'm sure it would have hurt a lot more. Anyways, I get out of the thorn bush finally and take off on a dead sprint and suddenly notice that my feet are no longer on the ground and that my face is about to be...needless to say that was a lil painful as well...but I survived! We lost capture the flag and I decided I was done!...Oh earlier in the evening we attempted the whole human knot game, and for the first time ever I agreed to give up on the game. We had three circles and it was simply impossible!

Didn't get much sleep Friday night but oh well, got up Saturday and had a few set backs to our day but we eventually went out to repel and rock climb. This year was so much better, no turning upside down on the rock for me! Saturday was really long but we eventually got to head back to arlington! As soon as we got back I rushed home and got ready for Josh's show at El Arroyo! :) Jeff and I zoomed there and only missed like two songs or so..."

Most amazing thing ever of my weekend was having my boyfriend sing my songs in front of other people! :) He's the best! It is totally awesome to have a song written about you, but way more awesome to have like 5...and then have him sing them for everyone else :)

Sunday was pretty awesome as well, went to church then lunch for the second sunday in a row with my amazingly awesome boyfriend! :) and then to arlington to get ready for my softball games :) yay! We ended up winning our league! We killed the team that hadn't lost a game all season and caused them to give up more games than they ever had before! :) AWESOMENESS! Got a tshirt! :) Just want I needed! Another Tshirt!

So that was pretty much my weekend in a nut shell! Crazy busy but crazy awesome. And this week is about to be the same, so hold on tight! :)

I still think about you...

The following comes from a note I wrote two years ago, I wrote it because I was so unsettled about numerous things in my life. But the most unsettling thing at the time was my step-grandma. She had lung cancer and at the time I wrote the note I knew for certain she was down to the last days, but I had absolutely no clue when I wrote the note how very true the beginning of my paragraph about her was...

06.Novemeber.08 1:34 am
she's dying...week by week, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute...and i really dont know what to think or how to feel...or what to say or if i should say anything at all? we weren't ever really close...and there have definately been huge tension issues...but shes still family...shes still been there for me a lot in my life...she still has taught me a lot...and she is still a person that means a lot to others in my life...but what do i do...do i go home and try to tell her bye....do i just stay here? and if i do just stay here is it because there really is nothing i can do to help? or is it because im being selfish and dont want to see her that way or is it because she prolly wouldn't want to see me anyways....and in all reality this isn't really about me as much as im making it right now. she is the one hurting and just wanting to go home....her permanent home...please god just dont let her hurt anymore...thats what it is all about now...please let her be at rest...

About 16 or so hours later she was gone. I was on my way to see her. I had decided it was what I needed to do. Mom told me it wouldn't be long, and so I made the decision, I had to go home. But for some reason I stalled about it, I didn't go as soon as I told mom I was going to. I hung around the caf talking to the girls. I went to my room and slowly packed a bag for the night. And I got in my car and headed that way, about fifteen minutes into the drive mom called, Jackie had passed away 30 min before mom called. Mom tried to wait until I got there, but since I was lazy about getting around to leave, she happened to call when I was on the road, and knew that if she didn't tell me right then, I'd be pretty upset. So after Mom called I was SO crushed, I just wanted to talk to someone, I called all my friends but I think something was happening at school that night and they were there. So I called my Dad, not really someone I've gone to for comfort over the years but I knew that he'd be able to comfort me at this time. This is how this conversation went.

Dad: Hey sis. Are you okay?!
Me: No Dad, She's gone, Jackie's gone and all I wanted to do was go see her, Daddy I was on my way.
Dad: Sis I'm so sorry, and I was just about to call you anyways, Grandma D is in the hospital in Wichita.
Me: (crying hysterically, while driving down the road at 70 mph) Daddy is she gonna be okay?
Dad: Ya, she'll be okay sis, just a bleeding ulcer, she will be okay when they get it stopped, don't worry sis, I just wanted you to know.

The rest of the conversation is prolly pretty irrelevant, but every time this time of year comes around they are all I can think about. And little did Dad know, just like little do any of us know God's plan for our lives, Grandma D wasn't okay, they couldn't completely get the ulcer to stop and she passed away eleven days later. After these two weeks I'm usually pretty okay and move on with life just fine I mean I still miss them all the time it's just that I miss them SO much more over this time. And when big life events happen that they should be there for. Like Elsie having Case, Jackie would have had six million pictures of him! Zach's wedding they both would have been there and in the family pictures, Michele having Baby Trey, etc. I miss them SO much, and I know there are things I missed out on with them that I look back on and wonder why I didn't do them when I could. And now I'm faced with being 400+ miles away and knowing that both of my grandfathers I have left are also at points in their life that aren't the best. And I want so bad sometimes to just be able to sit around and talk with Grandpa Simon and sit on his lap like old times, but I can't make myself when I'm home because it hurts too much. And with Grandpa Doyle, when I am home, I do hug him as much as possible and he tells me how proud he is of me. But everytime I have to tell both of them goodbye, I know it could be my last, and it hurts.

So if I'm grouchy or looking down over the next two weeks, I'm sorry. It's hard and I know it's been two years so I should be fine. But I'm still not really. I miss them.

Um...BOYFRIEND :)

Yes it is true after about six years I am no longer what one would call single! For those of you who have known me over the last six years, I'm hoping you are not too shocked right now! lol.

His name is Josh and he is one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my LIFE! I met him mid August through a mutual friend. He didn't hang around very long that night but he surely did try some smooth moves to get my phone number from our friend ;). We continued to show up at the same places and eventually he found a way to get my number real casually from me. We started texting and hanging out occasionally. I would go home and talk about him non stop and every time I did, Gretchen would tell me that I loved him ha. And I would tell her NO that I only loved his voice and his guitar! G and I went over it several times and every time she was like Amiee just admit it! :) He and I kept talking and continued to hang out. Some craziness ended up going on but we stuck with each other as friends and helped each other through it all. I kept telling Josh that I liked him but wanted to take things slow and see what happened, not force anything and not title anything. I also had to break the news to him that come May or July I could very well be on my way back to Kansas! So anyways, the other day I was driving in my car and it hit me, I had decided that I wanted to make it official, that there was no reason not to and that I was ready! (Which once again for those of you who have known me over the last six years that was a HUGE decision for me) So I text Jamie and told her I needed to tell her something...and I told her and she just smiled for me. Then Friday Josh was hanging out at the apartment with Jamie and I and I happened to use the word Girlfriend referencing me and Josh kinda flipped on me a lil :). Anyways we got to his house for the big halloween bash and we went to his room and talked and he asked me to be his girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I'm a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend and I cannont ever remember being this happy! :)

Despite all the craziness over just the last 2.5 months things have been awesome and amazing! Those of you who have known my struggle over the last six years know that this is a huge step for me. I would find a guy fall for him and then when he would show the same feelings I would back out. Then when I'd finally decide I wasn't scared, I would fall completely and darned if the guy then wasn't ready for something. Or there would be a great and amazing guy that I know would treat me right but I could only see that guy as a friend. I honestly can't really describe to anyone completely why I've finally came out of my issue with relationships but I have and I'm SO happy! And I'm not gonna be scared of what may come, I'm gonna enjoy every day as it comes and love every minute of it. Don't get me wrong I'm still a lil timid and cautious but I am falling more and more every day, with a guy like him who couldn't!

All of this is so sappy I know but I finally can write about something that truly makes me happy again so that's what I'm doing! Thank you everyone who kept encouraging me and made me realize that passing up this opportunity would definitely be a horrible decision!

And...now the really sappy part... :)

Joshua Aaron Nix, you have made me more happy than I have ever been in only 2.5 months, scares me a lil but more than anything it brightens my world. You have been more patient and understanding than I could have ever asked you to be! Neither one of us know for sure where this will go but I know that we both will just take each day as it comes and embrace it! Over the last six years there was never anyone who truly deserved the title of my boyfriend, until you! Thank you so much for all you've done so far! :) You are the bestest boyfriend ever :)

Love was kept from me like a secret
And I swore that I was through
Until you, until you...

:) Happiest Blog to date :)

Follow up to Re-evaluation of Life :)

Well as far as the rearranging priorities and sticking to it I'm not doing horrible but I'm not doing as well as I would like either! The main thing I'm not keeping up with as much as I need and want to is God! Life is nothing without my relationship with him, he's given me more love and comfort than anyone ever. I know I need to work harder on this relationship! I was just telling a friend last night that I know my biggest issue in this area is patience. There is so much I want to work on and change and fix. I get all excited about wanting God to work in my life and I go out and get all these books and ideas on how to better study his word and then they sit on my book shelf and gather dust because I just become so overwhelmed. I get SO excited and try to fix and change everything all at once that I just get so lost in what I really need to be doing! This week my goal is to have my time with God at least once a day! This would be a vast improvement from what I have been doing. This isn't setting the goals too high (they sadly enough aren't high enough) and hopefully if I can help myself to accomplish this goal this week, I can for sure set the stakes higher next week! Hope everyone has a FABULOUS and Blessed day! Love yall! :)

Time to re-evaluate, for SERIOUSES!

Okay, so some of you may know that if I'm smart and get my _ _ _ _ together I have the potential to be COMPLETELY DONE with SCHOOL FOREVER (unless I decide to get my Doctrate) in May. There's just a slight problem, I'm not smart (like common sense wise) and I'm not doing good about getting my _ _ _ _ together, so ya time for priorities retake number...oh who knows anymore.

Starting today this stuff is for reals, these are my priorities and I'm gonna do my best to take them serious this time. And for those of you who read this and would like to help me all the more power to ya.

Priorities!
1. God
2. Family
3. School
4. Friends
5. Working out/Break from life :)
6. Everything else...

This is a MUST everyday! I can do this! :)

Life IS ironic...

So wow almost November already, oh how time is flying! So much has happened lately that I just look back and sigh.

This last weekend ended up being pretty crazy but awesome as well. Things have been talked about/resolved. I'm slowly realizing how awesome he really is. I'm slowly realizing I HAVE no choice but to take each day as it comes and not think about what will happen tomorrow. And I'm also learning with every day that everything will be okay.

I love how numerous people NEVER know what they have with someone until that someone is really gone. Like not just taking a break gone, but gone, that someone finally realized what he/she is worth and decided not to put up with your crap anymore. Yes sometimes in life we get second, third, fourth, maybe even fifth or more chances to fix something or make it right again. But there simply is a point when all those chances are gone. Those chances were not used wisely and now they are simply GONE. And then when you realized you've screwed up and you prolly won't ever get them back, instead of letting go and moving on, you make desperate attempts to find a way back into their heart. I know I've done it so I'm really not laying blame, just pointing out how ironic it really is. I just hope that eventually you take credit for what you did wrong. Realize it, don't dwell on it, and move on. Make yourself a better person because of the mistake you made. Learn from it. And then when you can fully say yep that's what I did, I can't change it, but I can accept it, all you have to do from there is move on. Don't try to make that other person look bad because of your mistake and because they finally realized that loving someone didn't mean letting them treat you like crap. Face it, you got comfortable and expected him to never leave so you dealt with him on your own time. But maybe he was hurting too, maybe his feelings are legit and matter as well, maybe just maybe you should have thought about this a month ago, then you wouldn't be where you are today. World crashing down around you? Don't forget, you may have been part of the cause.

Mumble Jumble

Today for some reason is one of those days, where I'm suddenly thinking about the future as if I HAVE to know what is going to happen so I can make plans accordingly. But guess what, I don't know what is going to happen, no one is going to tell me what will happen, nor should I feel the need to HAVE to know what will happen. Life is life, its going to happen they way it is supposed to no matter what we do. Decisions and choices we make will have an effect but it will all work the way it was meant. Now making that statement you would think I could just let it all go and be fine the rest of the day, but this feeling isn't going away anytime soon, even though I KNOW what I need to, in order for the feeling to pass.

Some of the things on my mind include wondering what will happen in 6-8 months, wanting to say things but feeling like I can't, lacking motivation for even the simplest things in life, being scared to take that next step in life, am I really ready?

So much to think about in so little time...

The things you've done to me after all I've done for you...

When I think about everything that has happened between us I get so frustrated. I know I was wrong with some of the things I did. Sometimes I think back and wish I would have done some things differently. Sometimes I look back and realize some of the things I wouldn't change if I could do them again. I know deep down you are a great person and that's the person I miss. That's the person I couldn't ever get out of my head. But I'm not so sure that is the person you are right now. Which has made this so much easier. No one will ever really know what happened that night except for God, her and me. And I know I did NOTHING wrong! I wanted so badly to tell you that but I knew you'd never believe me. I knew I'd never win. I have come to realize it isn't about winning or losing. It's about saying my final words and letting it go. I know I'm horrible about just saying one thing and letting it go so I found the lyrics to this song. This is how I feel, this is all I have left to say, no longer a mention of your name unless someone else brings it up, no more trying to make sure you are doing well, no more! I has to be let go.

My final words from Gavin Mikhail's song Not Enough

I can't believe the things you said to me
Now I am not alright not well & I cannot yet tell you if
I'll survive inspite of all the hurt, lost time
`Cos I'm a million miles away inside
& I can't breathe

Just know I did not believe your lies &
And now I will not be there by your side
When all of your choices come to haunt you
The things you've done to me after all I've done for you

You left you said you were never very much in love with me
& I am not enough of everything you think you need
But I cannot believe you took for granted everytime
That I took a stand for you,
I see now you are not enough that someone for someone like me

I hoped, I prayed,
That you could some how find a way to stay for one more day,
For me, For all that we could be

But no you did not give me that right
& now I will not be there by your side
When all of your choices come to haunt you
The things you've done to me after all I've done for you

You left you said you were never very much in love with me
& I am not enough of everything you think you need
But I cannot believe you took for granted everytime
That I took a stand for you,
I see now you are not enough that someone for someone like me

Now I'm alright
I still get by
Comes as no suprise
Living without you
I am still breathing and alive,
Now that you're out of my life
I'm not giving up everything I have for you
No more I'm through
You know I'll never break again for you

You left you said you were never very much in love with me
& I am not enough of everything you think you need
But I cannot believe you took for granted everytime
That I took a stand for you,
I see now you are not enough that someone for someone like me

Another weekend...

So it's already Friday again, WOW, this week sure flew by! Best thing that happened this week, KELLI and KATIE found my camera! :) SO PUMPED! Don't think I've been this excited since I graduated college ha! YEAH FOR FOUND CAMERAS AND AWESOME FRIENDS!

Tuesday ended up being a very interesting day! :) I was sitting in my office when a friend text me and told me they were playing a game, so I decided to join them, needless to say we were all having the most fun of our lives all before 6 pm :) It was a blast, then a couple of my friends and I decided to make pizza for the boys, yet another AMAZING adventure! Then there was a bit of a crazy moment added to the night...we all know what I'm talking about. NICE! So here's the deal I've not said much about or to this guy for a while, not allowed to so ya, but today I'm gonna address him with some lyrics from a song (in a later blog today)...and this whole time I've done my best to not talk bad about you, I slipped a couple days ago and I'm really sorry, just sick of being treated the way you have treated me.

Wednesday = stats mid term = yucky = getting out of class two hours early! ha :) Then home to actually have a whole night with all three of us home = craziness. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, we were all pumped about playing BuzzTime and what happens, the power goes out and the server goes down and we can't play BUMMER! So we get home and Jamie decides to write Mr. 1033 a note, ends up being one of the best nights EVER. And this is also the night Kelli calls to tell me my camera is no longer lost! :) oh also I got the cd of my fourth song! :) AMAZING!

Thursday = longest day of my week ALWAYS! Nothing amazingly exciting happened really, just work, work and school.

Now, its Friday and I'm at work and then I GET THE WHOLE AFTERNOON OFF! I really need to clean and stuff but the fact of knowing that I don't HAVE to be anywhere at ANY time = FINALLY RELAXING! Okay this has been a very jumbled sporadic blog but I felt the need to write something since it had been so long! Gotta go now! :) Have a great day yall! LOVE YA! :) peace out girl scout!

Just one of those days

So today is definitely one of those days that I'm just letting everything get to me. EVERY LITTLE THING. And its causing me to be in stress mode MAJOR! :(

I wish I was back to the weekend Saturday at my nieces party to be exact. It was fun! It was stress free for me, and the most important of all, I STILL HAD MY CAMERA. Those of you who know me know that I LIVE for pictures. Last time I was without my camera was my college graduation, and I have little to no pictures of it, and to this day it still bothers me. But at least it wasn't like I had pictures from it and then suddenly the camera was gone so I couldn't have those pictures back. That's what happened this weekend! I had pictures of my new baby nephew, pictures of my friends, my niece Gillian, my niece Dacia's birthday party, my bricks, my school, EVERYTHING, and now they are gone! :( I'm sad, I dunno what else to write right now:( just a sad face for right now :(

Can't fathom being the substance that makes his world collide

Yay Tuesday! Only 3 more days until I meet that beautiful baby boy! I'm so excited! That reminds me I should prolly go get him that shirt that says, I have the coolest Aunt ever and she lives in Texas! Something like that! :)

So last night I was up until 2:15 or so when I forced myself to lay down, I wasn't tired at all, which is wierd considering I've been sick and extremely busy with school stuff. I think my mind was just so overwhelmed with thoughts of life that it didn't have time to be tired. I have SO many things on my mind lately that I don't know how I ever concentrate long enough on one to have a complete conversation with anyone! I've been thinking about school, home, my family, my friends, old ones and new ones, how I've changed, how much I love my new job, how much I miss my friends at the old one, how much things change even through the course of a day...okay I think yall get the point. But one of the things that stuck out to me last night was how funny life can be.

We've all had that one person that we just "loved" so much and maybe had a chance with them but never really got them like we wanted. And we were heart broken and we were jealous of all that got to be with that person. And we thought about ways to make them like us. And we (well some of us maybe) wrote letters to that person but never gave the letters to them. And we swore we'd never like another person ever. And everyone tells you that it will be okay. That you will get over him or her and start liking other people. And I have definitely learned all of those things through the years, but the one thing that I've always been told in that situation but never believed, was that one day that boy would look back and realize what he had and wonder why he ever let it go. I have NEVER believed this, I've believed that I would get over them, that I would fall for others, and that eventaully I'd move on. That's just normal. But until last night I was never a believer of that boy looking back and wondering where HE went wrong. The boy shall go unnamed, but has always held a very special place in my heart, from the days of driving by and seeing him outside, to the days of morning runs to stop by and wake him up, to the days when he liked any girl but me, to the days of not talking, to now, that boy has ALWAYS had a special place in my heart. I've tried contacting him a few times through the years but never a conversation longer then hi how are you, and great how about you. Yesterday I decided to leave him a comment, and then he was online and we talked for a lil while, exchanged numbers, and then he asked if he could call me sometime so we could catch up. Last night I text him, just to say hi. And after a while of texting he said it, the thing I never believed ever happened, he said he was jealous of this guy I dated, he said that he knew he had had something good, and didn't know why he messed it up. I was SHOCKED, couldn't quit thinking about it. If he only knew the number of times I've thought about him over the years. Apparently he was thinking of me to.

So from experience I can now tell all my girls that get their heart broken, some day, whether you know it or not he will look back and realize what he had, and wonder why he messed it up! And guys this does apply to you as well, some day that girl that you always wanted to give you the attention you gave her, will regret letting you go.

Funny...can't seem to wrap my mind around this right now...

Conspiracy? I think so...

Michele and Amanda are two of my sisters! I love them with everything I have! And lately they've really got me to thinking about where I will be when I graduate, still a year away, but still something I should be thinking about.

I moved down here for numerous reasons, but reason number one was to run. Run away from all the bad and all the things I didn't want to deal with at home. Was it a good reason, yes, can you truly run away from all the bad, no, but has it helped, yes! Moving down here has been a great experience. It hasn't fixed all my problems back home, but I'm one hundred percent positive that it has made me a stronger person, made me the person I need to be to go back home and deal with the issues I left behind.

G and I were discussing this issue last week and she asked me if I would feel like I was taking a step backwards by moving home if that was in fact my final decision. And I couldn't be totally convinced that it wasn't by the answer I provided. I feel like there are still opportunities up there for me ones that I may have overlooked due to some insecurities I had back there. I also feel like I would be closing numerous doors I've worked so hard to open down here. I feel like I would be leaving behind all the awesome people who've helped me out over the last year, but I also feel like I need to be at home, enjoying every moment possible with my family. I feel like no matter what I do there will be a bittersweet feeling all around.

I told my mom about how my sisters were conspiring to get me back to Kansas, and she said she was a hidden part in that conspriacy, not that I didn't already know that. But one thing she did say that kind of broke my heart was that she was doing her best to stay hidden in the process because she felt like if I knew she was a part of it, I would for sure stay in Texas. :( Mom and I have surely had our differences over the years, but if I've EVER needed ANYTHING, I have always known I can call my mom. It hurts to know she feels like she drove me away, because she is no part of the reason I left, she can thank the sperm donor for that one, as well as other stupid males. :)

I guess all I'm trying to get out here is that I'm stuck. And I know I have a year to make this decision, but I also know that year is gonna fly by. I have to finish up classes, write a paper, apply for jobs (which I might want to know where I want to be when it comes to this thing), continue working my little jobs I have now to make ends meet... To some of you this prolly shouldn't be something I'm already thinking about, and to some of you it may seem that I just need to let things happen and see where I end up. But right now I feel like I'm on a teeter totter, and sometimes I'm closer to home and sometimes I'm closer to staying. At this point it would kill me to leave a couple of you behind, because you've been the greatest friends I could have ever asked God to give me while I've been down here. And I know I won't lose you as friends, it would just suck not seeing you every day.

Maybe I will just take a poll, and whichever state gets the most votes that's where I will go! :)

I know this isn't one of my more interesting and thought provoking blogs so I'm sorry for those of you who suffered through it, it was just one of those I need to get these things out of my head before they drive me nuts!

He tries to hide it with a smile...but he knows, I know...

So...wow where to start...last we was LONG and this week feels like it may be longer! So it was Tuesday that I started feeling sick, now its Monday of the next week and guess what, STILL SICK! This is very annoying, as if I haven't already been having motivation issues, this isn't helping! I will feel good for a little while, so I will get up and do something and then BAM here comes the headache and coughing and annoyingness! ugh! :( YUCKY!

Anyways, I didn't really accomplish anything I was supposed to accomplish last week. I went to work although I didn't feel great and I'm sure I upset some girls I have class with but oh well huh. I've gone through life doing what I can to make others happy and make sure no one is mad at me, but I'm starting to get the feeling that is does nothing but make my life harder! I'm always doing what everyone else wants or expects of me. I mean its not like I don't do my share of things that upset others and it's not like I haven't let others down, but I just feel like I do SO much to completely go out of my way for others and what do I usually get in return, a broken heart or a saddened spirit, or nothing. So this past week I've decided that I'm gonna do what I can, and not go above and beyond for those who don't go above and beyond for me. Selfish, you might think but more and more every day I no longer see it that way. I see it as protecting myself. I have a history of letting people walk all over me, of being scared to speak my mind to those who mean the most to me in fear of losing that person as a friend. But what my sister helped me to see this week is that if that person is truly my friend then I should be able to say what is upsetting me and I should be able to do that knowing that when its all over, that person will still love me as much as they did before.

Next to forgiveness the hardest lesson I've had to learn is that I can NOT control what others think, say or do. A very obvious matter yet the second hardest for my mind to wrap around. Recently as some of you may know, I lost a friend that I considered to be one of my best, not like lost him to death, but in my opinion the worst kind of loss, the one where he is still here, but he acts as if we've never met. And this isn't the first time we've been on the "no speaking terms" thing but this is the first time that I've been able to truly tell myself that as much as it hurts and sucks that he doesn't consider me a friend anymore, I will be okay. There is no need to plead my case any longer. I put everything I had into that friendship and if nothing comes out of it, then nothing was supposed to come out of it. I cannot change his thoughts on what happened, I cannot make him forgive me. And all I can do is accept that!

Not all of that came out the way I wanted it to but oh well! :) Today I have a midterm :( Not excited about it, it's an open material essay test, but I'm pretty sure that isn't gonna make the questions any easier! :( Tomorrow I just have to get some homework out of the way, Wednedsay I have an assignement due and get a take home midterm, Thursday I have 5 things due in that class and then Friday, I FINALLY GET TO MEET MY NEWEST NEPHEW! SO EXCITED! The seven hours I have to drive, will never seem longer than they will on Friday! I absolutely can NOT wait! I'm so PUMPED!

What is this sickness...urgh

So I am currently at the busiest time of my semester so far, and BAM this sickness decides to visit me! So not much to say today other than I feel like crap and would rather not be here! Good thing I have drugs to get me through the day, THANKS BFF JOSH! :) okay time for more work then class :)

Family, Friends and Football oh and a new job...

So as I mentioned in my last blog my Grandma and Aunt were here this past weekend! They got here Thursday while I was working MY LAST DAY at the Y! They came over and met the Y family then headed over to my apartment where they had to wait for me finish MY LAST SHIFT and then they had to wait for me to get through class. And surprise surprise it was one of the long classes that never seems to end. Finally I got out and go to spend some time with them before we were all fast asleep. Friday we got up and headed to San Antonio! :) I LOVE THAT PLACE! On our way there we came upon a wreck and everyone had to be re routed off the interstate pretty crazy, but while doing this I'm pretty sure I found my future husband! :) He was driving one of those really big white vans, and he was very hot. He let us in front of him although he really didn't want to, so I smiled at him and he smile the rest of the way through our backed up traffic! So ya future husband material for sure. Random I know.

Anywho San Antonio was fun, I LOVE the riverwalk! Then saturday we got up and headed to Waxahachie to see good old Kdub play some football! I'm at the game about to head back to the tailgate when I hear these crazy guys pull up and start yelling for Kdub. Sure enough crazy Kdub Alumni football players, ones I went to school with, EXCITING! Anywho Kansas Wesleyan ended up winning, it wasn't a very entertaining game. The entertaining part is that one of the old football players also cheered with me when were in college. So he gets this crazy idea (because he was intoxicated) that we should try some stunts, and I agreed. Jamie on the other hand decided she was gonna step away and not watch :) So right before we try this I look at Drew and say "I'm gonna warn you, I've gotten heavier" and Drew adds "I've gotten weaker" Receipe for disaster, some would think but we tried it anyways, and SUCCESS! We actually hit the stunt, it was an easy beginner stunt but we hit it! So we got a little braver and tried a lil more and hit it as well, finally Drew decides we gonna try an even harder stunt, this one failed, but I never felt like my life was in danger so total success in my eyes. I absolutely could not believe we actually hit a couple of them after at least 2 years of not doing anything related to cheering :)

So Saturday night I decide to let my Aunt and Grandma go to sleep and I went out with the roomies and Talia, fun night? OF COURSE. Just a few things I learned on Saturday night, you had to be Japanese to go on the second floor, and thats just plain descrimination to all not Japanese. Everyone was walking WAY to fast and needed to slow down. Fourth street was not in the direction in which the security guard pointed us. There are in fact nice people in the world that will truly help three girls in there twenties back to their car when they have NO CLUE where the darn parking garage is. There were many more wonderfully great things happening that night too many too mention!

Sunday it was up early and to church with Grandma and my Aunt. After church they left :( But it was good to have them here! It was lazy time after that until my softball game at 4. And let me just fill you in on some of my pet peeves of sports in general and then slow pitch softball to be exact. First of all, don't argue with any official of any sport, you will simply just make them angry at you and then they will actually be an ass about their calls, so just leave them alone. Second, don't revert to excuses and talking trash simply because you are having a crappy game. Third if the ball is any where close to being hitable just swing, I don't care about the arch it is supposed to have, JUST HIT THE DAMN THING! and last but most important and most irritating, DO NOT go up to bat in SLOW PITCH softball LOOKING for a WALK! That's just plain retarded, you came out there to play the game so PLAY IT. Looking for walks is pathetic, especially when you are an excellant hitter!

Now to today, it's my first day at my new job, messed up calls count at this point, at least three or four, number of people whos names I actually knew in the office when first arriving, three, number of people in the office seven or eight...I'm not really sure. But I love it, they are all very nice and very helpful! Plus anything beats getting pens thrown at me. And I'm actually learning something about the differences between realitors, mortgage companies, lendors, etc. Oh and I got to buy cute new office job clothes! :) YEAH! Only an hour left now!

Here's a challenge for the day...Say Good morning Silver Oak Mortgage 5 times in a row without messing up...I can't do it. Heck I can't even do it once :) Gotta love the guy that got to hear me say everything but that this morning, I finally gave up and just asked him who he'd like to speak with. :) Hope yall have a great day! :) Love ya!

Butterflies...

So it happened, I saw you on campus today and danget, I GOT BUTTERFLIES. Ugh! How in the world after what you did, do I seem to still be able to be totally thrown off course by you? How can I seem to only remember the awesome things you said to me and how much fun it was to hang out with you and how comfy it was to cuddle with you? And not remember the numerous nights you said you were coming by and never showed or even the night that you just up and left for her? You left with a crappy attempt at an apology and I've not heard from you since. Yet I see you today and I simply feel like I'm floating. Hrm...

Gma and Aunt Cindy will be here SO soon! I'm superly pumped! And my Kdub friends will be here too, oh golly this is gonna be such a great weekend! I'm so excited and I don't even know what else to say! :)

But I better get going, big day ahead of me. Came to the office this morning for a meeting but we skipped it, just got some quality time with the awesome coworker. Now I'm headed to my new job to learn about it, then the old job at the Y for MY LAST DAY! Then to class which I'm not prepared for! :) Okay really going now! BYES! :)

I'm sure trying Rob Bell...

So I'm currently in a state of anger and hurt...and tonight Rob Bell told me I needed to channel that into something beautiful...and I'm trying...Can I get a lil bit of help?!

Do you ever feel like your IPOD can read your thoughts?

So I'm not totally sure how I feel today. But I think my IPOD knew exactly what song I needed to hear when I turned it on just now, Grace by Saving Jane. Probably one of the most encouraging and amazing songs I've ever heard. I absolutely love it, just funny to me how that can happen.

Moving on, I feel like this semester is flying by and not ever letting me catch up, or letting me get to a point where I feel like I will be fine and then it turns on the turbo boosters and leaves me standing there trying to catch my breath. Everyday holds another 12-14 hours of constant going will it ever stop or at least slow down for a whole day or is this what I've made my life this semester, a crazy out of control busy choatic mess? Did I do it on purpose or did it just happen? I would say no matter how much I complain about it, I did it to myself, and I did it for a reason. It's my crutch, it's what I fall back on, to keep me from thinking, to give me excuses when I'm too scared to face another part of my life. Crazy how I honestly didn't realize that is what I was doing until just now.

Lately I often feel as though my heart is racing, I start shaking and feel like my chest is getting tight as though I can't take full breaths, My self diagnosis: Hypoglycemia or something like that right G? :) What it probably really is: Anxiety. I always find myself thinking of the things that need to be done, the things I have neglected to get to until the last minute, the things that have to be done within 30 min or it means bad things for my grades. I never plan my days wisely so that the anxiety will disappear. I am always thinking about something never just letting my mind rest. When I'm sleeping I know my brain is still going a mile a minute because I have the craziest dreams.

I guess the only cure for this is to calm down, which just a forewarning never tell me to calm down, just makes me more crazy and frustrated ha. I guess I just have to plan my days wisely and accomplish one task at a time. I guess I have to face the fact that not talking to someone for one day will be okay, they won't forget about me, they won't think I forgot about them and they will understand that I'm busy. I guess I have to make better priorites and just take each mountain/task as it is presented to me. I would say I've taken a step in the right direction lately by stepping down from my position at the Y. As of Thursday I will no longer be a Front Desk employee, HUGE weight off my shoulders! :) I will miss my coworkers and the members but it is simply a decision I had to make for myself!

Also I have to quit worrying about that other part of my life, the part where relationships are concerned, and not family relationships or friend relationships, those things that involve the other gender. I guess I really have to let that one go and let God, Cause I'm for sure NO GOOD at them on my own, and have proven that time and time again, I mean come on, guys keep going back to their exes! Ha :). So yet another thing to let go of, to breathe out. When it is time, it will happen! I believe..kinda ha :)

On a happy note my Grandma and Aunt will be here this weekend! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!! OMG I'M SO EXCITED I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

Okay on to the rest of my day, no worries, one task at a time, which now consists of my case study for class tonight :( Hope yall have a great day :)

"As I stumble to the light Grace, You said you'd always have a place for me"

Two new Best Friends :)

So I have had the great pleasure lately of becoming pretty good friends with this pretty cool guy, who has introduced me to the coolest videos ever, Rob Bell videos. Every time I watch one it completely blows my mind. I have watched one of them three times, yes three times and every time I take hold of a new point from the video. I'm not sure if it is really ever possible to take hold of everything from each video.

The one I've watched three times is Breathe and it is amazing. Rob Bell discusses the simplicity yet the complexity of breathing. He reminds us that we were made from dust, making us very fragile and vulnerable individuals, yet we have had the breath of GOD, creator of EVERYTHING breathed into us. From this I get that he is telling us although we are fragile and vulnerable, within us we hold the breath of GOD which gives us strength, strength we need to get through even the most difficult situations.

In this video Rob Bell mentions how he got SO upset that his phone would not connect to a call he was trying to make, got SO upset that he found himself ready to just throw his phone. I can totally connect with him in this because my phone's service is an out of state service so I have LOTS of difficulties getting it to do what I want, and for those of you that I text you know my phone has a mind of its own because you get my texts like six times :). Anyways the point that Rob Bell is trying to make is that it is crazy that the strangest things seem to get under our skin and bring us to a point where we are simply seconds from completely losing it. And then he moves back to the point of breathing, and how we had the breath of God breathed into us to give us life and how this should remind us EVERY TIME we breathe there are some things that we just need to let go of. How when we are breathing we are letting God in, which makes us aware of all the things we need to breathe out, let go of, leave behind.

At this point in the video Rob Bell asks, what are your concerns, what is making you anxious, what is making you angry, is there anything bothering you, what is it that is stressing you, if you could right now what is it that you would breathe out, get rid of, let go of, leave behind. And every time I watched the video I found myself talking to the video, talking to Rob Bell as though he was standing right in front of me. And as a way to try to get it out, because as you learned in my last blog I have difficulty getting things out and really letting them go, I'm just gonna go through the list of the things I think of when Rob Bell poses those questions:
Why did I believe him? Why did I think he was telling the truth? Am I really naive? Am I really clueless? Am I really crazy? What is wrong with me? Why can't I learn from my previous mistakes? Do I love too easy?! Why did you tell me all those sweet things and tell me I was better than to let what he did to me affect me and make me feel like you cared and that I was worthy of actually having a chance with you and in the second that she calls you're gone, just like that, almost exactly what he did to me? Why do I trust so easy? Why did he never seem to want to come watch what I was so proud of? Why did I quit? Why was I never good enough? Why does he break my heart day to day by doing nothing? Why do I let the fact that he breaks my heart day to day come into my other friendships and relationships making it almost impossible for others to care for my like they want to be able to? Why do I hold everyone to such high standards in fear that they will do the same thing to me? They are not you, why can't I get past what you did? Why haven't you ever said sorry period? Why do you never listen when I tell you how you've hurt me, how you've hurt my sister, how you've hurt my brother? Why do you always have an excuse and have to throw your mistakes on other people?! Why?
So I know that is a huge list and I might even be able to go on longer, but I will stop there. For years I managed to hide all those hurts and frustrations. For years I've kept them inside and many people believed that I was a happy go lucky person. But recently keeping all of those things in has started to change me as a person, make me an angry, very easily irritated and hurt person. They have made me someone I don't want to be, someone I swore I'd never be.

Rob Bell also poses one more question that hit me VERY hard, "Do you believe God is inherently in every single person? If so, when we treat someone disrespectfully, does it mean we're really treating God disrespectfully?" Talk about a loaded question. And no I'm not gonna share my answer to the question. It's something I want yall to form your own answer to. Something I want others to ponder on and really think about. It's something I myself need to think about every time I decide I'm gonna be a jerk, every time I feel like it is okay to fire back at someone who took their stab at me first...

And this is where I will leave it for today. With the wonderful loaded question and with thanks to my two new best friends, Josh and Rob Bell, for helping me start to open my heart and my mind to allow for healing and comfort and hopefully for true happiness...

Worry, Understanding, Forgiveness, and Faith

Wow...I thought so much had changed in a year...and then this past week happened...talk about change...or was it really change...was it still hidden there just lurking to come out?!...who really knows?! God knows... And that's the only thing I need to grasp...that is the only thing I need to think about..not worry about...think about...remember...KNOW... I'd be lying if I said I didn't care...because I do...but at the same time...for once instead of trying to beg for your forgiveness or for your understanding...I'm giving it to the only one who can really do anything about it...and I'm leaving it there...Letting Go and Letting God...

Now to the title...four words that are very prominent in my life on a day to day basis. These four words cause me the most trouble, concepts I seem to struggle with more than anything in my life. I know that forgiveness is a huge part of my relationship with God, I know I MUST forgive those who have hurt me if I expect to be forgiven, but I just cannot ever seem to fully forgive those from my past, and then I see the affect that it has on my current relationships...and I get frustrated and worry that I will never be able to let that all go, that I will never be able to fully forgive...worry...but why!? I know...I KNOW...that the Lord is taking care of me...I know that the Lords plan is so much greater than I could ever ask for or ever wish for, yet I still worry...hrm...

Other than forgiveness and worry...my next greatest battle is understanding...My whole life I've wanted to know why...I was definitely the child that always asked why, even when my parents said "No and don't ask why"...I asked why...ALWAYS...even if I knew the consequences of asking why...and I knew I wouldn't like them...I asked why...Anytime anything happens that has something to do with me or anyone connected to me...I want to know why...and when I don't understand...I push to understand...I push to know what caused the situation...sometimes I find out and sometimes after I find out...I still just don't get it...I don't understand why some things happen...and it frustrates me, it upsets me...and it causes major issues for me...when in all reality...it never should...this is a place that my faith needs to take over my mind and the world...this is where I just have to KNOW that the Lord has it all in his hands and plans...and understand or not...I just have to let go...I just have to not understand and be okay...I was at church this past Sunday and the pastor said something about embracing our limitations...and I laughed...embrace our limitations...are you kidding...ha...I've been fighting all my life to overcome my limitations...but when he said that I knew that fighthing the limitations wasn't getting me anywhere...all it ever did was cause complications...more problems...more anger...more frustration...more hurt...so that has been my goal this week...to embrace my limitations...not understanding, not being able to control anything or anyone except myself, etc.

So like I said in the beginning of this whole blog...I thought a lot had changed over a year...then I look at this past week...and WOW...and in reaction to all the changes...I KNOW all I can do is have faith, accept that I may not understand, learn to forgive, quit worrying, let go and LET GOD!

so much in a year...

So I've started this three times now...and I've decided I'm just gonna write and what comes out comes out....

So it's back to that time...a year since we met...and everything that is going on...makes me miss you...even though you are right here...it's just not like it was then anymore...and it sucks... :)...but I'm surviving...just like you've told me I would...And I'm doing pretty good...but as you could prolly guess there is so much I want to say...Just don't think you want to hear it...So I will just write it here... I miss you...I miss talking until the wee hours of the morning...I miss listening to music and most of all I miss feeling so safe and perfect in your arms...but even more than that...I miss the confidence I had the first day we met...I was sure you wouldn't break me down...I was sure I wasn't going to let you in...I was SURE I wouldn't fight for your attention...Boy was I wrong...

And now I sit here...thinking of it all...knowing that we've "talked" about it numerous times...and knowing that it doesn't need to be "talked" about again :)...I just want you to know that I NEVER would have got through that month without you...No matter how it turned out...I needed you then and you were there...and I just want to say thank you...

Funny how this is titled SO much in a year yet the only two things I can really say right now are I miss you, and Thank you....