Time to re-evaluate, for SERIOUSES!

Okay, so some of you may know that if I'm smart and get my _ _ _ _ together I have the potential to be COMPLETELY DONE with SCHOOL FOREVER (unless I decide to get my Doctrate) in May. There's just a slight problem, I'm not smart (like common sense wise) and I'm not doing good about getting my _ _ _ _ together, so ya time for priorities retake number...oh who knows anymore.

Starting today this stuff is for reals, these are my priorities and I'm gonna do my best to take them serious this time. And for those of you who read this and would like to help me all the more power to ya.

Priorities!
1. God
2. Family
3. School
4. Friends
5. Working out/Break from life :)
6. Everything else...

This is a MUST everyday! I can do this! :)

Life IS ironic...

So wow almost November already, oh how time is flying! So much has happened lately that I just look back and sigh.

This last weekend ended up being pretty crazy but awesome as well. Things have been talked about/resolved. I'm slowly realizing how awesome he really is. I'm slowly realizing I HAVE no choice but to take each day as it comes and not think about what will happen tomorrow. And I'm also learning with every day that everything will be okay.

I love how numerous people NEVER know what they have with someone until that someone is really gone. Like not just taking a break gone, but gone, that someone finally realized what he/she is worth and decided not to put up with your crap anymore. Yes sometimes in life we get second, third, fourth, maybe even fifth or more chances to fix something or make it right again. But there simply is a point when all those chances are gone. Those chances were not used wisely and now they are simply GONE. And then when you realized you've screwed up and you prolly won't ever get them back, instead of letting go and moving on, you make desperate attempts to find a way back into their heart. I know I've done it so I'm really not laying blame, just pointing out how ironic it really is. I just hope that eventually you take credit for what you did wrong. Realize it, don't dwell on it, and move on. Make yourself a better person because of the mistake you made. Learn from it. And then when you can fully say yep that's what I did, I can't change it, but I can accept it, all you have to do from there is move on. Don't try to make that other person look bad because of your mistake and because they finally realized that loving someone didn't mean letting them treat you like crap. Face it, you got comfortable and expected him to never leave so you dealt with him on your own time. But maybe he was hurting too, maybe his feelings are legit and matter as well, maybe just maybe you should have thought about this a month ago, then you wouldn't be where you are today. World crashing down around you? Don't forget, you may have been part of the cause.

Mumble Jumble

Today for some reason is one of those days, where I'm suddenly thinking about the future as if I HAVE to know what is going to happen so I can make plans accordingly. But guess what, I don't know what is going to happen, no one is going to tell me what will happen, nor should I feel the need to HAVE to know what will happen. Life is life, its going to happen they way it is supposed to no matter what we do. Decisions and choices we make will have an effect but it will all work the way it was meant. Now making that statement you would think I could just let it all go and be fine the rest of the day, but this feeling isn't going away anytime soon, even though I KNOW what I need to, in order for the feeling to pass.

Some of the things on my mind include wondering what will happen in 6-8 months, wanting to say things but feeling like I can't, lacking motivation for even the simplest things in life, being scared to take that next step in life, am I really ready?

So much to think about in so little time...

The things you've done to me after all I've done for you...

When I think about everything that has happened between us I get so frustrated. I know I was wrong with some of the things I did. Sometimes I think back and wish I would have done some things differently. Sometimes I look back and realize some of the things I wouldn't change if I could do them again. I know deep down you are a great person and that's the person I miss. That's the person I couldn't ever get out of my head. But I'm not so sure that is the person you are right now. Which has made this so much easier. No one will ever really know what happened that night except for God, her and me. And I know I did NOTHING wrong! I wanted so badly to tell you that but I knew you'd never believe me. I knew I'd never win. I have come to realize it isn't about winning or losing. It's about saying my final words and letting it go. I know I'm horrible about just saying one thing and letting it go so I found the lyrics to this song. This is how I feel, this is all I have left to say, no longer a mention of your name unless someone else brings it up, no more trying to make sure you are doing well, no more! I has to be let go.

My final words from Gavin Mikhail's song Not Enough

I can't believe the things you said to me
Now I am not alright not well & I cannot yet tell you if
I'll survive inspite of all the hurt, lost time
`Cos I'm a million miles away inside
& I can't breathe

Just know I did not believe your lies &
And now I will not be there by your side
When all of your choices come to haunt you
The things you've done to me after all I've done for you

You left you said you were never very much in love with me
& I am not enough of everything you think you need
But I cannot believe you took for granted everytime
That I took a stand for you,
I see now you are not enough that someone for someone like me

I hoped, I prayed,
That you could some how find a way to stay for one more day,
For me, For all that we could be

But no you did not give me that right
& now I will not be there by your side
When all of your choices come to haunt you
The things you've done to me after all I've done for you

You left you said you were never very much in love with me
& I am not enough of everything you think you need
But I cannot believe you took for granted everytime
That I took a stand for you,
I see now you are not enough that someone for someone like me

Now I'm alright
I still get by
Comes as no suprise
Living without you
I am still breathing and alive,
Now that you're out of my life
I'm not giving up everything I have for you
No more I'm through
You know I'll never break again for you

You left you said you were never very much in love with me
& I am not enough of everything you think you need
But I cannot believe you took for granted everytime
That I took a stand for you,
I see now you are not enough that someone for someone like me

Another weekend...

So it's already Friday again, WOW, this week sure flew by! Best thing that happened this week, KELLI and KATIE found my camera! :) SO PUMPED! Don't think I've been this excited since I graduated college ha! YEAH FOR FOUND CAMERAS AND AWESOME FRIENDS!

Tuesday ended up being a very interesting day! :) I was sitting in my office when a friend text me and told me they were playing a game, so I decided to join them, needless to say we were all having the most fun of our lives all before 6 pm :) It was a blast, then a couple of my friends and I decided to make pizza for the boys, yet another AMAZING adventure! Then there was a bit of a crazy moment added to the night...we all know what I'm talking about. NICE! So here's the deal I've not said much about or to this guy for a while, not allowed to so ya, but today I'm gonna address him with some lyrics from a song (in a later blog today)...and this whole time I've done my best to not talk bad about you, I slipped a couple days ago and I'm really sorry, just sick of being treated the way you have treated me.

Wednesday = stats mid term = yucky = getting out of class two hours early! ha :) Then home to actually have a whole night with all three of us home = craziness. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings, we were all pumped about playing BuzzTime and what happens, the power goes out and the server goes down and we can't play BUMMER! So we get home and Jamie decides to write Mr. 1033 a note, ends up being one of the best nights EVER. And this is also the night Kelli calls to tell me my camera is no longer lost! :) oh also I got the cd of my fourth song! :) AMAZING!

Thursday = longest day of my week ALWAYS! Nothing amazingly exciting happened really, just work, work and school.

Now, its Friday and I'm at work and then I GET THE WHOLE AFTERNOON OFF! I really need to clean and stuff but the fact of knowing that I don't HAVE to be anywhere at ANY time = FINALLY RELAXING! Okay this has been a very jumbled sporadic blog but I felt the need to write something since it had been so long! Gotta go now! :) Have a great day yall! LOVE YA! :) peace out girl scout!

Just one of those days

So today is definitely one of those days that I'm just letting everything get to me. EVERY LITTLE THING. And its causing me to be in stress mode MAJOR! :(

I wish I was back to the weekend Saturday at my nieces party to be exact. It was fun! It was stress free for me, and the most important of all, I STILL HAD MY CAMERA. Those of you who know me know that I LIVE for pictures. Last time I was without my camera was my college graduation, and I have little to no pictures of it, and to this day it still bothers me. But at least it wasn't like I had pictures from it and then suddenly the camera was gone so I couldn't have those pictures back. That's what happened this weekend! I had pictures of my new baby nephew, pictures of my friends, my niece Gillian, my niece Dacia's birthday party, my bricks, my school, EVERYTHING, and now they are gone! :( I'm sad, I dunno what else to write right now:( just a sad face for right now :(

Can't fathom being the substance that makes his world collide

Yay Tuesday! Only 3 more days until I meet that beautiful baby boy! I'm so excited! That reminds me I should prolly go get him that shirt that says, I have the coolest Aunt ever and she lives in Texas! Something like that! :)

So last night I was up until 2:15 or so when I forced myself to lay down, I wasn't tired at all, which is wierd considering I've been sick and extremely busy with school stuff. I think my mind was just so overwhelmed with thoughts of life that it didn't have time to be tired. I have SO many things on my mind lately that I don't know how I ever concentrate long enough on one to have a complete conversation with anyone! I've been thinking about school, home, my family, my friends, old ones and new ones, how I've changed, how much I love my new job, how much I miss my friends at the old one, how much things change even through the course of a day...okay I think yall get the point. But one of the things that stuck out to me last night was how funny life can be.

We've all had that one person that we just "loved" so much and maybe had a chance with them but never really got them like we wanted. And we were heart broken and we were jealous of all that got to be with that person. And we thought about ways to make them like us. And we (well some of us maybe) wrote letters to that person but never gave the letters to them. And we swore we'd never like another person ever. And everyone tells you that it will be okay. That you will get over him or her and start liking other people. And I have definitely learned all of those things through the years, but the one thing that I've always been told in that situation but never believed, was that one day that boy would look back and realize what he had and wonder why he ever let it go. I have NEVER believed this, I've believed that I would get over them, that I would fall for others, and that eventaully I'd move on. That's just normal. But until last night I was never a believer of that boy looking back and wondering where HE went wrong. The boy shall go unnamed, but has always held a very special place in my heart, from the days of driving by and seeing him outside, to the days of morning runs to stop by and wake him up, to the days when he liked any girl but me, to the days of not talking, to now, that boy has ALWAYS had a special place in my heart. I've tried contacting him a few times through the years but never a conversation longer then hi how are you, and great how about you. Yesterday I decided to leave him a comment, and then he was online and we talked for a lil while, exchanged numbers, and then he asked if he could call me sometime so we could catch up. Last night I text him, just to say hi. And after a while of texting he said it, the thing I never believed ever happened, he said he was jealous of this guy I dated, he said that he knew he had had something good, and didn't know why he messed it up. I was SHOCKED, couldn't quit thinking about it. If he only knew the number of times I've thought about him over the years. Apparently he was thinking of me to.

So from experience I can now tell all my girls that get their heart broken, some day, whether you know it or not he will look back and realize what he had, and wonder why he messed it up! And guys this does apply to you as well, some day that girl that you always wanted to give you the attention you gave her, will regret letting you go.

Funny...can't seem to wrap my mind around this right now...

Conspiracy? I think so...

Michele and Amanda are two of my sisters! I love them with everything I have! And lately they've really got me to thinking about where I will be when I graduate, still a year away, but still something I should be thinking about.

I moved down here for numerous reasons, but reason number one was to run. Run away from all the bad and all the things I didn't want to deal with at home. Was it a good reason, yes, can you truly run away from all the bad, no, but has it helped, yes! Moving down here has been a great experience. It hasn't fixed all my problems back home, but I'm one hundred percent positive that it has made me a stronger person, made me the person I need to be to go back home and deal with the issues I left behind.

G and I were discussing this issue last week and she asked me if I would feel like I was taking a step backwards by moving home if that was in fact my final decision. And I couldn't be totally convinced that it wasn't by the answer I provided. I feel like there are still opportunities up there for me ones that I may have overlooked due to some insecurities I had back there. I also feel like I would be closing numerous doors I've worked so hard to open down here. I feel like I would be leaving behind all the awesome people who've helped me out over the last year, but I also feel like I need to be at home, enjoying every moment possible with my family. I feel like no matter what I do there will be a bittersweet feeling all around.

I told my mom about how my sisters were conspiring to get me back to Kansas, and she said she was a hidden part in that conspriacy, not that I didn't already know that. But one thing she did say that kind of broke my heart was that she was doing her best to stay hidden in the process because she felt like if I knew she was a part of it, I would for sure stay in Texas. :( Mom and I have surely had our differences over the years, but if I've EVER needed ANYTHING, I have always known I can call my mom. It hurts to know she feels like she drove me away, because she is no part of the reason I left, she can thank the sperm donor for that one, as well as other stupid males. :)

I guess all I'm trying to get out here is that I'm stuck. And I know I have a year to make this decision, but I also know that year is gonna fly by. I have to finish up classes, write a paper, apply for jobs (which I might want to know where I want to be when it comes to this thing), continue working my little jobs I have now to make ends meet... To some of you this prolly shouldn't be something I'm already thinking about, and to some of you it may seem that I just need to let things happen and see where I end up. But right now I feel like I'm on a teeter totter, and sometimes I'm closer to home and sometimes I'm closer to staying. At this point it would kill me to leave a couple of you behind, because you've been the greatest friends I could have ever asked God to give me while I've been down here. And I know I won't lose you as friends, it would just suck not seeing you every day.

Maybe I will just take a poll, and whichever state gets the most votes that's where I will go! :)

I know this isn't one of my more interesting and thought provoking blogs so I'm sorry for those of you who suffered through it, it was just one of those I need to get these things out of my head before they drive me nuts!

He tries to hide it with a smile...but he knows, I know...

So...wow where to start...last we was LONG and this week feels like it may be longer! So it was Tuesday that I started feeling sick, now its Monday of the next week and guess what, STILL SICK! This is very annoying, as if I haven't already been having motivation issues, this isn't helping! I will feel good for a little while, so I will get up and do something and then BAM here comes the headache and coughing and annoyingness! ugh! :( YUCKY!

Anyways, I didn't really accomplish anything I was supposed to accomplish last week. I went to work although I didn't feel great and I'm sure I upset some girls I have class with but oh well huh. I've gone through life doing what I can to make others happy and make sure no one is mad at me, but I'm starting to get the feeling that is does nothing but make my life harder! I'm always doing what everyone else wants or expects of me. I mean its not like I don't do my share of things that upset others and it's not like I haven't let others down, but I just feel like I do SO much to completely go out of my way for others and what do I usually get in return, a broken heart or a saddened spirit, or nothing. So this past week I've decided that I'm gonna do what I can, and not go above and beyond for those who don't go above and beyond for me. Selfish, you might think but more and more every day I no longer see it that way. I see it as protecting myself. I have a history of letting people walk all over me, of being scared to speak my mind to those who mean the most to me in fear of losing that person as a friend. But what my sister helped me to see this week is that if that person is truly my friend then I should be able to say what is upsetting me and I should be able to do that knowing that when its all over, that person will still love me as much as they did before.

Next to forgiveness the hardest lesson I've had to learn is that I can NOT control what others think, say or do. A very obvious matter yet the second hardest for my mind to wrap around. Recently as some of you may know, I lost a friend that I considered to be one of my best, not like lost him to death, but in my opinion the worst kind of loss, the one where he is still here, but he acts as if we've never met. And this isn't the first time we've been on the "no speaking terms" thing but this is the first time that I've been able to truly tell myself that as much as it hurts and sucks that he doesn't consider me a friend anymore, I will be okay. There is no need to plead my case any longer. I put everything I had into that friendship and if nothing comes out of it, then nothing was supposed to come out of it. I cannot change his thoughts on what happened, I cannot make him forgive me. And all I can do is accept that!

Not all of that came out the way I wanted it to but oh well! :) Today I have a midterm :( Not excited about it, it's an open material essay test, but I'm pretty sure that isn't gonna make the questions any easier! :( Tomorrow I just have to get some homework out of the way, Wednedsay I have an assignement due and get a take home midterm, Thursday I have 5 things due in that class and then Friday, I FINALLY GET TO MEET MY NEWEST NEPHEW! SO EXCITED! The seven hours I have to drive, will never seem longer than they will on Friday! I absolutely can NOT wait! I'm so PUMPED!

What is this sickness...urgh

So I am currently at the busiest time of my semester so far, and BAM this sickness decides to visit me! So not much to say today other than I feel like crap and would rather not be here! Good thing I have drugs to get me through the day, THANKS BFF JOSH! :) okay time for more work then class :)