Family, Friends and Football oh and a new job...

So as I mentioned in my last blog my Grandma and Aunt were here this past weekend! They got here Thursday while I was working MY LAST DAY at the Y! They came over and met the Y family then headed over to my apartment where they had to wait for me finish MY LAST SHIFT and then they had to wait for me to get through class. And surprise surprise it was one of the long classes that never seems to end. Finally I got out and go to spend some time with them before we were all fast asleep. Friday we got up and headed to San Antonio! :) I LOVE THAT PLACE! On our way there we came upon a wreck and everyone had to be re routed off the interstate pretty crazy, but while doing this I'm pretty sure I found my future husband! :) He was driving one of those really big white vans, and he was very hot. He let us in front of him although he really didn't want to, so I smiled at him and he smile the rest of the way through our backed up traffic! So ya future husband material for sure. Random I know.

Anywho San Antonio was fun, I LOVE the riverwalk! Then saturday we got up and headed to Waxahachie to see good old Kdub play some football! I'm at the game about to head back to the tailgate when I hear these crazy guys pull up and start yelling for Kdub. Sure enough crazy Kdub Alumni football players, ones I went to school with, EXCITING! Anywho Kansas Wesleyan ended up winning, it wasn't a very entertaining game. The entertaining part is that one of the old football players also cheered with me when were in college. So he gets this crazy idea (because he was intoxicated) that we should try some stunts, and I agreed. Jamie on the other hand decided she was gonna step away and not watch :) So right before we try this I look at Drew and say "I'm gonna warn you, I've gotten heavier" and Drew adds "I've gotten weaker" Receipe for disaster, some would think but we tried it anyways, and SUCCESS! We actually hit the stunt, it was an easy beginner stunt but we hit it! So we got a little braver and tried a lil more and hit it as well, finally Drew decides we gonna try an even harder stunt, this one failed, but I never felt like my life was in danger so total success in my eyes. I absolutely could not believe we actually hit a couple of them after at least 2 years of not doing anything related to cheering :)

So Saturday night I decide to let my Aunt and Grandma go to sleep and I went out with the roomies and Talia, fun night? OF COURSE. Just a few things I learned on Saturday night, you had to be Japanese to go on the second floor, and thats just plain descrimination to all not Japanese. Everyone was walking WAY to fast and needed to slow down. Fourth street was not in the direction in which the security guard pointed us. There are in fact nice people in the world that will truly help three girls in there twenties back to their car when they have NO CLUE where the darn parking garage is. There were many more wonderfully great things happening that night too many too mention!

Sunday it was up early and to church with Grandma and my Aunt. After church they left :( But it was good to have them here! It was lazy time after that until my softball game at 4. And let me just fill you in on some of my pet peeves of sports in general and then slow pitch softball to be exact. First of all, don't argue with any official of any sport, you will simply just make them angry at you and then they will actually be an ass about their calls, so just leave them alone. Second, don't revert to excuses and talking trash simply because you are having a crappy game. Third if the ball is any where close to being hitable just swing, I don't care about the arch it is supposed to have, JUST HIT THE DAMN THING! and last but most important and most irritating, DO NOT go up to bat in SLOW PITCH softball LOOKING for a WALK! That's just plain retarded, you came out there to play the game so PLAY IT. Looking for walks is pathetic, especially when you are an excellant hitter!

Now to today, it's my first day at my new job, messed up calls count at this point, at least three or four, number of people whos names I actually knew in the office when first arriving, three, number of people in the office seven or eight...I'm not really sure. But I love it, they are all very nice and very helpful! Plus anything beats getting pens thrown at me. And I'm actually learning something about the differences between realitors, mortgage companies, lendors, etc. Oh and I got to buy cute new office job clothes! :) YEAH! Only an hour left now!

Here's a challenge for the day...Say Good morning Silver Oak Mortgage 5 times in a row without messing up...I can't do it. Heck I can't even do it once :) Gotta love the guy that got to hear me say everything but that this morning, I finally gave up and just asked him who he'd like to speak with. :) Hope yall have a great day! :) Love ya!

Butterflies...

So it happened, I saw you on campus today and danget, I GOT BUTTERFLIES. Ugh! How in the world after what you did, do I seem to still be able to be totally thrown off course by you? How can I seem to only remember the awesome things you said to me and how much fun it was to hang out with you and how comfy it was to cuddle with you? And not remember the numerous nights you said you were coming by and never showed or even the night that you just up and left for her? You left with a crappy attempt at an apology and I've not heard from you since. Yet I see you today and I simply feel like I'm floating. Hrm...

Gma and Aunt Cindy will be here SO soon! I'm superly pumped! And my Kdub friends will be here too, oh golly this is gonna be such a great weekend! I'm so excited and I don't even know what else to say! :)

But I better get going, big day ahead of me. Came to the office this morning for a meeting but we skipped it, just got some quality time with the awesome coworker. Now I'm headed to my new job to learn about it, then the old job at the Y for MY LAST DAY! Then to class which I'm not prepared for! :) Okay really going now! BYES! :)

I'm sure trying Rob Bell...

So I'm currently in a state of anger and hurt...and tonight Rob Bell told me I needed to channel that into something beautiful...and I'm trying...Can I get a lil bit of help?!

Do you ever feel like your IPOD can read your thoughts?

So I'm not totally sure how I feel today. But I think my IPOD knew exactly what song I needed to hear when I turned it on just now, Grace by Saving Jane. Probably one of the most encouraging and amazing songs I've ever heard. I absolutely love it, just funny to me how that can happen.

Moving on, I feel like this semester is flying by and not ever letting me catch up, or letting me get to a point where I feel like I will be fine and then it turns on the turbo boosters and leaves me standing there trying to catch my breath. Everyday holds another 12-14 hours of constant going will it ever stop or at least slow down for a whole day or is this what I've made my life this semester, a crazy out of control busy choatic mess? Did I do it on purpose or did it just happen? I would say no matter how much I complain about it, I did it to myself, and I did it for a reason. It's my crutch, it's what I fall back on, to keep me from thinking, to give me excuses when I'm too scared to face another part of my life. Crazy how I honestly didn't realize that is what I was doing until just now.

Lately I often feel as though my heart is racing, I start shaking and feel like my chest is getting tight as though I can't take full breaths, My self diagnosis: Hypoglycemia or something like that right G? :) What it probably really is: Anxiety. I always find myself thinking of the things that need to be done, the things I have neglected to get to until the last minute, the things that have to be done within 30 min or it means bad things for my grades. I never plan my days wisely so that the anxiety will disappear. I am always thinking about something never just letting my mind rest. When I'm sleeping I know my brain is still going a mile a minute because I have the craziest dreams.

I guess the only cure for this is to calm down, which just a forewarning never tell me to calm down, just makes me more crazy and frustrated ha. I guess I just have to plan my days wisely and accomplish one task at a time. I guess I have to face the fact that not talking to someone for one day will be okay, they won't forget about me, they won't think I forgot about them and they will understand that I'm busy. I guess I have to make better priorites and just take each mountain/task as it is presented to me. I would say I've taken a step in the right direction lately by stepping down from my position at the Y. As of Thursday I will no longer be a Front Desk employee, HUGE weight off my shoulders! :) I will miss my coworkers and the members but it is simply a decision I had to make for myself!

Also I have to quit worrying about that other part of my life, the part where relationships are concerned, and not family relationships or friend relationships, those things that involve the other gender. I guess I really have to let that one go and let God, Cause I'm for sure NO GOOD at them on my own, and have proven that time and time again, I mean come on, guys keep going back to their exes! Ha :). So yet another thing to let go of, to breathe out. When it is time, it will happen! I believe..kinda ha :)

On a happy note my Grandma and Aunt will be here this weekend! YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!! OMG I'M SO EXCITED I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

Okay on to the rest of my day, no worries, one task at a time, which now consists of my case study for class tonight :( Hope yall have a great day :)

"As I stumble to the light Grace, You said you'd always have a place for me"

Two new Best Friends :)

So I have had the great pleasure lately of becoming pretty good friends with this pretty cool guy, who has introduced me to the coolest videos ever, Rob Bell videos. Every time I watch one it completely blows my mind. I have watched one of them three times, yes three times and every time I take hold of a new point from the video. I'm not sure if it is really ever possible to take hold of everything from each video.

The one I've watched three times is Breathe and it is amazing. Rob Bell discusses the simplicity yet the complexity of breathing. He reminds us that we were made from dust, making us very fragile and vulnerable individuals, yet we have had the breath of GOD, creator of EVERYTHING breathed into us. From this I get that he is telling us although we are fragile and vulnerable, within us we hold the breath of GOD which gives us strength, strength we need to get through even the most difficult situations.

In this video Rob Bell mentions how he got SO upset that his phone would not connect to a call he was trying to make, got SO upset that he found himself ready to just throw his phone. I can totally connect with him in this because my phone's service is an out of state service so I have LOTS of difficulties getting it to do what I want, and for those of you that I text you know my phone has a mind of its own because you get my texts like six times :). Anyways the point that Rob Bell is trying to make is that it is crazy that the strangest things seem to get under our skin and bring us to a point where we are simply seconds from completely losing it. And then he moves back to the point of breathing, and how we had the breath of God breathed into us to give us life and how this should remind us EVERY TIME we breathe there are some things that we just need to let go of. How when we are breathing we are letting God in, which makes us aware of all the things we need to breathe out, let go of, leave behind.

At this point in the video Rob Bell asks, what are your concerns, what is making you anxious, what is making you angry, is there anything bothering you, what is it that is stressing you, if you could right now what is it that you would breathe out, get rid of, let go of, leave behind. And every time I watched the video I found myself talking to the video, talking to Rob Bell as though he was standing right in front of me. And as a way to try to get it out, because as you learned in my last blog I have difficulty getting things out and really letting them go, I'm just gonna go through the list of the things I think of when Rob Bell poses those questions:
Why did I believe him? Why did I think he was telling the truth? Am I really naive? Am I really clueless? Am I really crazy? What is wrong with me? Why can't I learn from my previous mistakes? Do I love too easy?! Why did you tell me all those sweet things and tell me I was better than to let what he did to me affect me and make me feel like you cared and that I was worthy of actually having a chance with you and in the second that she calls you're gone, just like that, almost exactly what he did to me? Why do I trust so easy? Why did he never seem to want to come watch what I was so proud of? Why did I quit? Why was I never good enough? Why does he break my heart day to day by doing nothing? Why do I let the fact that he breaks my heart day to day come into my other friendships and relationships making it almost impossible for others to care for my like they want to be able to? Why do I hold everyone to such high standards in fear that they will do the same thing to me? They are not you, why can't I get past what you did? Why haven't you ever said sorry period? Why do you never listen when I tell you how you've hurt me, how you've hurt my sister, how you've hurt my brother? Why do you always have an excuse and have to throw your mistakes on other people?! Why?
So I know that is a huge list and I might even be able to go on longer, but I will stop there. For years I managed to hide all those hurts and frustrations. For years I've kept them inside and many people believed that I was a happy go lucky person. But recently keeping all of those things in has started to change me as a person, make me an angry, very easily irritated and hurt person. They have made me someone I don't want to be, someone I swore I'd never be.

Rob Bell also poses one more question that hit me VERY hard, "Do you believe God is inherently in every single person? If so, when we treat someone disrespectfully, does it mean we're really treating God disrespectfully?" Talk about a loaded question. And no I'm not gonna share my answer to the question. It's something I want yall to form your own answer to. Something I want others to ponder on and really think about. It's something I myself need to think about every time I decide I'm gonna be a jerk, every time I feel like it is okay to fire back at someone who took their stab at me first...

And this is where I will leave it for today. With the wonderful loaded question and with thanks to my two new best friends, Josh and Rob Bell, for helping me start to open my heart and my mind to allow for healing and comfort and hopefully for true happiness...

Worry, Understanding, Forgiveness, and Faith

Wow...I thought so much had changed in a year...and then this past week happened...talk about change...or was it really change...was it still hidden there just lurking to come out?!...who really knows?! God knows... And that's the only thing I need to grasp...that is the only thing I need to think about..not worry about...think about...remember...KNOW... I'd be lying if I said I didn't care...because I do...but at the same time...for once instead of trying to beg for your forgiveness or for your understanding...I'm giving it to the only one who can really do anything about it...and I'm leaving it there...Letting Go and Letting God...

Now to the title...four words that are very prominent in my life on a day to day basis. These four words cause me the most trouble, concepts I seem to struggle with more than anything in my life. I know that forgiveness is a huge part of my relationship with God, I know I MUST forgive those who have hurt me if I expect to be forgiven, but I just cannot ever seem to fully forgive those from my past, and then I see the affect that it has on my current relationships...and I get frustrated and worry that I will never be able to let that all go, that I will never be able to fully forgive...worry...but why!? I know...I KNOW...that the Lord is taking care of me...I know that the Lords plan is so much greater than I could ever ask for or ever wish for, yet I still worry...hrm...

Other than forgiveness and worry...my next greatest battle is understanding...My whole life I've wanted to know why...I was definitely the child that always asked why, even when my parents said "No and don't ask why"...I asked why...ALWAYS...even if I knew the consequences of asking why...and I knew I wouldn't like them...I asked why...Anytime anything happens that has something to do with me or anyone connected to me...I want to know why...and when I don't understand...I push to understand...I push to know what caused the situation...sometimes I find out and sometimes after I find out...I still just don't get it...I don't understand why some things happen...and it frustrates me, it upsets me...and it causes major issues for me...when in all reality...it never should...this is a place that my faith needs to take over my mind and the world...this is where I just have to KNOW that the Lord has it all in his hands and plans...and understand or not...I just have to let go...I just have to not understand and be okay...I was at church this past Sunday and the pastor said something about embracing our limitations...and I laughed...embrace our limitations...are you kidding...ha...I've been fighting all my life to overcome my limitations...but when he said that I knew that fighthing the limitations wasn't getting me anywhere...all it ever did was cause complications...more problems...more anger...more frustration...more hurt...so that has been my goal this week...to embrace my limitations...not understanding, not being able to control anything or anyone except myself, etc.

So like I said in the beginning of this whole blog...I thought a lot had changed over a year...then I look at this past week...and WOW...and in reaction to all the changes...I KNOW all I can do is have faith, accept that I may not understand, learn to forgive, quit worrying, let go and LET GOD!

so much in a year...

So I've started this three times now...and I've decided I'm just gonna write and what comes out comes out....

So it's back to that time...a year since we met...and everything that is going on...makes me miss you...even though you are right here...it's just not like it was then anymore...and it sucks... :)...but I'm surviving...just like you've told me I would...And I'm doing pretty good...but as you could prolly guess there is so much I want to say...Just don't think you want to hear it...So I will just write it here... I miss you...I miss talking until the wee hours of the morning...I miss listening to music and most of all I miss feeling so safe and perfect in your arms...but even more than that...I miss the confidence I had the first day we met...I was sure you wouldn't break me down...I was sure I wasn't going to let you in...I was SURE I wouldn't fight for your attention...Boy was I wrong...

And now I sit here...thinking of it all...knowing that we've "talked" about it numerous times...and knowing that it doesn't need to be "talked" about again :)...I just want you to know that I NEVER would have got through that month without you...No matter how it turned out...I needed you then and you were there...and I just want to say thank you...

Funny how this is titled SO much in a year yet the only two things I can really say right now are I miss you, and Thank you....