Michele and Amanda are two of my sisters! I love them with everything I have! And lately they've really got me to thinking about where I will be when I graduate, still a year away, but still something I should be thinking about.
I moved down here for numerous reasons, but reason number one was to run. Run away from all the bad and all the things I didn't want to deal with at home. Was it a good reason, yes, can you truly run away from all the bad, no, but has it helped, yes! Moving down here has been a great experience. It hasn't fixed all my problems back home, but I'm one hundred percent positive that it has made me a stronger person, made me the person I need to be to go back home and deal with the issues I left behind.
G and I were discussing this issue last week and she asked me if I would feel like I was taking a step backwards by moving home if that was in fact my final decision. And I couldn't be totally convinced that it wasn't by the answer I provided. I feel like there are still opportunities up there for me ones that I may have overlooked due to some insecurities I had back there. I also feel like I would be closing numerous doors I've worked so hard to open down here. I feel like I would be leaving behind all the awesome people who've helped me out over the last year, but I also feel like I need to be at home, enjoying every moment possible with my family. I feel like no matter what I do there will be a bittersweet feeling all around.
I told my mom about how my sisters were conspiring to get me back to Kansas, and she said she was a hidden part in that conspriacy, not that I didn't already know that. But one thing she did say that kind of broke my heart was that she was doing her best to stay hidden in the process because she felt like if I knew she was a part of it, I would for sure stay in Texas. :( Mom and I have surely had our differences over the years, but if I've EVER needed ANYTHING, I have always known I can call my mom. It hurts to know she feels like she drove me away, because she is no part of the reason I left, she can thank the sperm donor for that one, as well as other stupid males. :)
I guess all I'm trying to get out here is that I'm stuck. And I know I have a year to make this decision, but I also know that year is gonna fly by. I have to finish up classes, write a paper, apply for jobs (which I might want to know where I want to be when it comes to this thing), continue working my little jobs I have now to make ends meet... To some of you this prolly shouldn't be something I'm already thinking about, and to some of you it may seem that I just need to let things happen and see where I end up. But right now I feel like I'm on a teeter totter, and sometimes I'm closer to home and sometimes I'm closer to staying. At this point it would kill me to leave a couple of you behind, because you've been the greatest friends I could have ever asked God to give me while I've been down here. And I know I won't lose you as friends, it would just suck not seeing you every day.
Maybe I will just take a poll, and whichever state gets the most votes that's where I will go! :)
I know this isn't one of my more interesting and thought provoking blogs so I'm sorry for those of you who suffered through it, it was just one of those I need to get these things out of my head before they drive me nuts!
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